Woman refuses her fiancé’s stepmother’s attempts to use her to gain more family ties and bypass her stepson’s rejection: ‘She believes she's my future mother-in-law and we should be allies’

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Feb 18, 2025 9:00 PM EST

Some people don't understand that relationships, especially in families, grow naturally, they aren't built by forcing your way in like an obsessive party crasher. 

But occasionally, a not-so-loved-one somehow gets the idea that persistence equals privilege, and instead of respecting the dynamics already in place, start pushing for a starring role. The unfortunate result is tension, drama, and the constant expectation that someone else will play mediator and smooth things out. 

Entitlement might be annoying but refusal to acknowledge that real relationships can't strong-armed into existence is more on the infuriating side of things.

One woman found herself in this exact situation when her fiancé's stepmother decided she was the perfect recruit for her ongoing campaign to reshape the family. The stepmother, who spent years pushing to be a bigger part of her stepson's life despite his clear disinterest, shifted focus to the woman once the couple got engaged.

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  • "AITA for telling my fiancé's stepmother that I am not her ally in my fiancé's family?"

    "I ignored her first few messages but she was pretty pushy"
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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • My fiancé was raised mostly by his paternal grandparents. His mom did when he was 3. His paternal grandparents thought the world of her and had been close to her while she was with
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  • their son/my fiancé's father. They promised her they'd make sure he was okay no matter what and that he knew who she was. My fiancé's father was checked out once his wife got sick and she
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  • knew he wasn't going to be able to focus on their son, which apparently was very devastating for her and for his parents who wanted to believe he could. Once she did he did try but he wasn't
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  • taking care of my fiancé well enough and wasn't accepting the help his parents offered. Eventually he started sending my fiancé over there and then he left him in their care permanently and signed over guardianship and custody to them.
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  • Seeing her as a potential ‘ally’ to force a “traditional family” dynamic, the stepmother bombarded her with messages, insisting she help bridge the divide. But instead of giving in, the woman stayed loyal to her fiancé and made it clear she wouldn’t take sides against his wishes.  

  • My fiancé saw his father rarely when he was younger and never had much to do with him after custody was changed. He was happy with his grandparents though and he felt like they gave him a better life than his father
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  • could've. They also made sure he knew about his mom and he has photos and videos of her, was told stories about her and her memory was kept alive so she wasn't forgotten or just a nothing to him.
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  • When my fiancé was 13 his father got married. He and his grandparents were invited to the wedding but didn't attend, by my fiancé's choice. His father's wife (stepmother in the title) wanted
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  • to be a more traditional family and had wanted my fiancé to let her take on some motherly figure role in his life but he had his grandma and told her no. She continued to try even when her husband did not but my fiancé wasn't interested.
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  • Relationships can’t strong-armed into existence

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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • She made her relationship with my fiancé's grandparents difficult after a while. She told them they should want him to have a mom and they should be encouraging him to let her in so he can be a
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  • family with her and his dad. They said he had a mom and all that stuff. She thought it was wrong they were so loyal to their late DIL. They said they loved her. She didn't like that. She said they
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  • should only love her as his current wife and they told her that he had disappointed them. They thought she was disrespectful to the fact he was married before and my fiancé was
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  • someone else's child. But she was expecting everyone to accept her and want her and that she'd get my fiancé living with them and that they would be a more traditional family. Things grew
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  • more tense when she and my fiancé's father had two kids together. My fiancé sees the kids more as cousins but not even close ones. He has no relationship with them outside of seeing them at certain functions.
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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • But his grandparents do have a relationship with the other grandkids and so it means more contact with the father and his wife for everyone.
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  • I met my fiancé in our senior year of high school and we dated all throughout college. When I went to meet the parents it was meet the grandparents. They liked me and we've become very close and we spend holidays with them. I hardly know his father, the father's wife or their children but I have met them.
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  • After we got engaged I found out I was pregnant and we put wedding talk on hold to welcome our son, who's now 2 months old. During the pregnancy his father's wife was trying to get more involved and was asking to be a
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  • grandmother and stuff. My fiancé did not want it and told her so and then his grandmother and father's wife argued over the fact the grandparents didn't tell my fiancé to let her be the
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  • grandmother. She was also upset they didn't encourage us to invite her, his father and their kids to the baby shower and other celebrations. Or to meet the baby.
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  • Now she's set her sights on me. She believes she's my future MIL and we should be allys in the family and I could help her become more accepted since I was and I get along with them incredibly well. I ignored her first
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  • few messages but she was pretty pushy and after talking to my fiancé I told her I wasn't her ally and I didn't want her to try and drag me into her issues with my fiancé's family. She went off on me in more messages. According
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  • to her I have no reason to keep a distance and could be the reason my son has another grandma instead of just a de d one. She also thinks I'm not thinking about long term what's best for
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  • everyone. But I trust my fiancé to decide what he wants to do when she's technically apart of his side even though he considers her to be nothing to him but a headache.
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  • Being the “good guy” doesn’t always mean making peace–it means supporting the people who’ve been clear about how they want their relationships to look.

  • AITA for refusing to be her ally and saying as much though?
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  • AdaFlorence NTA. She's acting like she's in some kind of family redemption arc, but nobody sent her the script. Your fiancé has made it very clear where he stands, and instead of respecting that,
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  • she's trying to recruit you like it's a multi-level marketing scheme for forced family bonding. Hard pass. She needs to take the L and move on.
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  • ohyerasofa NTA. For his stepmother to be his mom, his father needs to be his dad.
    via ohyerasofa

Tags

family drama inheritance stepmother aita AITAH brother mother tradition siblings family feud favoritism wedding aunt mother in law sister fiancé Father
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